Saturday, February 4th 2017
I am afraid. Afraid to fail, afraid to not get what I want. I always organise things in order to succeed but when it comes to going one step forward in the right direction, I am scared and sure that my dreams won’t come true.
Yet, it will not be the first time I have tried for something. I have already changed my life numerous times, especially when I went to Australia for a year. Back then, I had left everything (flat, car, job, family and friends). The only difference this time is that I have found a kind of balance in my life with a flat that I love and a job I’m passionate about. Unfortunately, this job is coming to an end and I have just left my flat.
I have never fitted my country and the way it works, whether in the work field, the school system or even the mentality of the people who have developed a moaning and negative point of view on everything around them. They are never content with what they have and always want more, therefore passing by all the simple pleasures in life.
My year in Australia has confirmed that I wasn’t made for the French system. Nonetheless, with my visa expired, I had to go back to my country. But there were three things I was now sure of: I couldn’t live too far from my mum, I was definitely sure that I didn’t want to live in my country, and I was missing the Celtic culture (I spent most of my life in Brittany, which is the Celtic region of France).
Last November, I was on my way to Ireland to explore. Beautiful country with very good music but I didn’t fall in love. I then thought about Canada where there are Celtic regions, but the visa is difficult to get so I preferred to stay in Europe.
The choice I have made is Scotland. More precisely, Edinburgh. I will go for a week to try to find a job. I will try a new field: tourism. The thought of failure scares me. If it doesn’t work, I will go back to square one and I will be stuck in France forever.
The real reason I am afraid is because in a month I will be 34 and I feel the need to find a balance in my life. I don’t have money and soon won’t have a job anymore… I think now a husband, children and a house are part of the dream world, but I want at least to find a job that I thrive in, a flat I feel happy to live in and some friends, and to live near the mountains or the sea.
Deep inside me I can hear a panicked voice saying: “but what the hell are you going to do in Scotland? One week?! You think you will make it in one week?”