Portland

November 2014

Portland is all about feeling like home. Not only because I’m not in hostels anymore and I live in a house, but also because it looks like my hometown – the coast, the ocean, the harbour – and I have met people I can trust. It’s like jumping into the void but this time I have a safety net. I feel secure.

Even though I can breathe again and feel relaxed, I have to be careful and not get attached to these people because I don’t belong to them and they don’t belong to me. However, being with them has made me realize that I know now what I want and what I need to feel really happy: a family. I was raised being very close to my family and it was the happiest time of my life but, at the age of 11, my mum took me away from them.  She decided to move to another city for a better quality of life, and rightly so, but for that we had a price to pay: leave the ones we loved. Since that time, I’ve always felt lost and lonely. That’s why I want so much to have a family, to love and be loved, to share moments with people. I think love is the key of happiness and fulfilment. Unfortunately, the more I move on with my life, the more I think that I am one of those people who are made to live their life alone. I’ve been trying to find a place in the hearts and lives of every person I have met since I was 11 but I know that is not the solution. So how can I build a family? I really have this feeling that I can’t and I don’t have the right to get attached to people. Maybe I’m not ready because getting attached to people also means facing the risk of losing them some day and I’m not strong enough for that. My heart is tired and broken and I can’t fix it anymore; I’m exhausted. Sometimes I think life is too long, hard and painful to be lived. I just wait hour after hour, day after day, for death to come for me. But, on the other hand, I just hope deep inside of my heart and soul that I can someday find people who will be able to accept me and love me just the way I am, and that I will be able to give them and share with them all the love I keep inside.

I’m just going to try to find a job and enjoy this city and the company of the wonderful people I have met here and, at some point, say goodbye and go on my trip and my quest for love. Finding love within myself is not enough; it is way better when shared and that’s how love should always be: shared.

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