30 Years Old

For the last two years I have learned how to mould myself, to know who I am, what I want, which way to take …

Yet The only things I am sure of are the things I do not want. For example, I cannot limit myself to a life of routine but I am also unable to find fulfilment in my current situation because it is too unstable.

I have made the choice to be free. I have no attachments, no material assets and no career, so I have the possibility to make all the choices I want regarding my life because I am the only one involved and I have nothing to lose.

The problem with freedom is that it can be a nightmare if you do not know what you want. It is a psychological torture which has only one cure: letting go. And I greatly need this cure because I am looking for my way and I am completely lost. I have no idea where to start or which way to go, and I can no longer stay where I am because if there’s one thing I do know it is that I don’t belong here.

I’m not going to complain, and I do not have the right to because life has never ceased to give me gifts. Life has always told me how to bounce back on to my feet when I fall.

Life often puts in front of me people who help me by doing their utmost with all the love they can give. Sometimes though, it’s with all the hatred and animosity that they have towards themselves and reflect on people. I can’t blame them because I know that it’s because they have no idea how to heal from their wounds and move on. The hardest part it is to not take these feelings personally when they are expressed towards you and try to show empathy towards those people because, most of the time, the expression of those kinds of feelings show that they may be in more distress than you.

Life teaches us how to flourish through wonderful people or positive events, but also through difficulties or confrontations with those who are also in search of themselves or injured. In my case, it is in the most difficult moments of my life that I learn the best way to evolve and move forward. I love challenges and to have to constantly fight to find myself and to get what I want. Even if it has to be with pain.

Difficulties and suffering never have a negative purpose. This is one of the ways that life takes to make us grow and move forward. In case of failure, we must accept, adapt ourselves, take another path and redouble efforts and courage. Anyway, there will always be battles to fight or challenges ahead. It is in these moments that I feel the most terrified but also the most alive.

However, I am tired of being alone in my quest. Whatever happens, irrevocably, we are always alone. There are just a few people who will cross our path and travel some miles with us and then go on their way. I have no problem with the fact that people come and go in our lives but I feel that, even when I have people around me to listen to me, support me and help me move forward, none of them understands what I feel. It’s like I am the first person they have met in their lives who has ambitions and dreams such as mine and suffering like mine. I have lots of questions but nobody seems to have the answers.

In a way, I know that I already have all the answers but I don’t know where to find them or how. They are hidden deep inside of my soul and the path to it is a maze. I must go on to move forward, but there are too many ways, too many doors to open, and I don’t know which will be the one that will allow me to access these answers.

I am lost between fitting into the society or pursuing my dreams, which means listening to my intuition; I must choose between security that will not make me happy but stabilize me, or take the risk of jumping into the unknown without the certainty that this will make me happy or bring me needed answers. In fact, I know myself enough to know that I will choose the second option because this is what I have always done: follow my heart.

I’m just paralyzed by fear because, before, when I jumped into the void, I always had a safety net but this time I will be completely engulfed by the unknown. My instinct tells me that this is the only way for me to finalize my construction regarding this part of my life.

We are all under construction until the end because human beings are in constant development; we are not made to stagnate in only one state of mind throughout our lives.

There are several steps to take and I feel that, for me, this one will be one of the biggest and one of the most decisive or my future because I am about to give up a large part of what has constituted my life since birth, including the minimum security I have left.

So I have decided to leave my country, France. I won’t thrive here if I don’t try something elsewhere, and I do not want to live with regrets. My first intention was to leave and never go back but now I prefer to keep an open mind to all the possibilities that life has to offer because, these last ten years, I have often left my city thinking that these departures would be permanent but I always came back. It is also possible that this new start in a new country is the beginning of a new life where I will feel so abundant that it will be out of the question for me to consider a return to France.

The reasons that make me want to leave are not only personal, they are also professional. Indeed, I cannot find my place in the French professional system. To get a job you must be a graduate and have sufficient professional experience. The problem is that, if I spend my time studying for one or more degrees, I will not get enough experience to get a job and likewise, if I work, I will acquire significant professional experience but I won’t get a real job because I won’t have the required qualifications. I’m 30 and my resume is three pages! I must admit that my not knowing what I want to do with my life has played a major role in my failure to find stable work, but every time I tried to “fit in the system” I found myself facing a wall.

I think employers should focus more on the desire, ambition and motivation of a person they’re considering hiring than on a degree or the years or months of work experience. In the end, they have graduates and experienced employees for sure but they won’t necessarily do a good job or take it seriously. Employers would be better to use their time to train people who are really eager to learn rather than fixing errors in those they have hired who are doing bad work despite their qualifications and experiences just because they are not interested in their job. I am really convinced that there are graduates and/or experienced people who do a very good job and are happy about what they do but, for me, it is not what I see (or not enough…).

Now let’s go back to my plan. It seems that, in other countries, things are different and seem to be closer to my vision of a professional life because it seems like no one is going to ask you questions if they see a three page CV and periods of inactivity between each job, and they prioritise the motivation and willingness of the prospective employee. It can also bring me answers and help me thrive through a complete change of life.

So, let’s go to the conquest of a better life.

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